It was not until yesterday, when I was in church, that I realized that what I felt about my body dictated how far I would go into my praise.I have been taking an inventory of what this extra weight has kept me from doing.
Now I am not saying that I don’t praise or worship. I go in. Tears flowing, hands raise, speaking in heavenly language.
Six reasons that I rarely, I mean RARELY, dance, shout or run in church
- I don’t want to break a shoe. I enjoy wearing my heels but just when that dance is about to break loose, that little voice says “Ayoka, you are going to break your heel and wind up on the floor. Which brings me to my next point…
- I don’t want anyone trying to pick me up off of the floor. I know I am heavy. I don’t want anyone else knowing just how heavy I am
- I don’t want anyone standing behind me to try to catch me from falling. Same reason as above.
- I am top heavy. (Yes I mean big boobs) And I don’t care how good my undergarments are, I am too self-conscious that the girls may put on a show
- The altar is a no-no. I only go up there if the Pastor literally calls me up there. I have a good amount of junk in my trunk. If I go into worship and bow down, I cannot hide what I have back there.
- I don’t like being out of breath. My dance is minimal. It takes A LOT, I have no desire to dance for five minutes then cough for the next fifteen minutes. No, thank you.
This may sound like it is funny, but I promise you, this is not a joke. This is my reality. I am in a serious battle at the times when I should be in worship. I long to give my everything to my Savior. I would love to be like David, dancing before the Lord and and not caring who sees me. I desire to be free from being self-conscious when my thoughts and focus should be solely on Him.
If you have ever seen me in church, you will notice, I go right to the edge of a breakthrough, then I simply stop. That is my truth. And I have got to be healed so that I can be free.
Ayoka Boyce is a published author (aka Nikki P. Serene), blogger, writing coach and Mentor. She is the founder of All Write RVA, a not for profit organization that promotes writing and literacy.